Wit & Wisdom of Aoi F.Z. Jones

"I have a terminal illness. I am allergic to airport security."

(Aoi Jones)

* * *

"Oh, it's my seventh little suicide today. That's how I see it, given people call it a little death, right?"

(Aoi Jones)

* * *

She said she was a lawyer by trade. I asked her what she got for herself in the trade, and, well, I lost the case.

(Aoi Jones)

* * *

Stupid, full of shit or fucking nuts: you can avoid at most two.

(Aoi Jones, Lessons from St. George)

* * *

There will never be double soccer as long as the English language lasts. No parent wants to order a son out to the yard to "play with his balls".

(Aoi Jones)

* * *

"Some call me a dick; worrisome, that, since they must know I'm a lady. But aren't we all dicks, deep down? Isn't that, deep down, what unites us all? Not what is down here... but what is in here.

And if you thought, 'woo, a blowjob joke!', well... real classy, you. I don't give blowjobs through my eye. If I did, I would have a patch. You see a patch...?

No. You don't.

Because I'm not a skullfucking kind of a girl. Okay?"

(Aoi Jones)

* * *

"I know my comedy isn't always perfect. Thus an answer in advance to all my critics.

Oh, yeah, well, how many comedy albums do you have out? Huh, you do it better yourself then! Why should I listen to fat spotty arrogant flippant loser nerds living in their mom's basements never will have no girlfriends jerk off and spend all their time whining on blogs anyway. You only see the negative in things. I can't be perfect can I? I'm not interested in what you hateful hatedom haters say, because my real fans are those who love everything I do! Outrageously trivial pappy! Come off your fucking high horse and have a sense of proportion! DO YOU GET THIS YOU PEOPLE USING MY COMPLEX HEARTFELT ART AS A PUBLIC URINAL? I summon all my true fans to comment in circles around your pitiful rabid rapineous circle-jerk of hate!"

(Aoi Jones)

last updated: (Jul 01 2011)