The Duel of Siwa and Delfoi

It is said that during the reign of Ptolemy IV, the soft sodomous king of latter-day Egypt, there rose a great argument in Alexandria over which of all the oracles of the world was the greatest.

Some said the oracle of the oasis of Siwa, in the far west of Egypt, behind a horrendously hostile and long stretch of desert, was the greatest, having spoken the will of gods to Alexander himself, and before him to millennia of pharaoh gods.

Others said surely Pythia, the oracle of Mount Delfoi, the highest holy place of Apollo in all Hellenic lands, was as supreme as any spot on this weak earth could be: had not all the heroes and half-gods in whose shadow Alexander had stood come to Delfoi to learn their fate --- the fate they could not avoid.

It nearly came to blows; but then it was noticed there was a holy man of Delfoi and another of Siwa in the city; and the matter was brought to them.

This is what they said.

The emissary of Siwa said:

Delfoi is a place of fools. The king of fools Zeus bid two fool eagles to find the centerpoint of all land, which is Karnak in Egypt. The fool eagles, being fools, instead smashed into each other up in the airs, and where their feathered carcasses came down fool Delfoi is built.

The emissary of Delfoi said:

Siwa is a pile of mud bricks in the wet arsehole of a vast barren desert. There are no women in Siwa; the men lie down with their camels, and this is seen in their appearance and intellect. Yo! There is but one good thing in Siwa, and that is the road out of Siwa.

The emissary of Siwa said:

Pythia the matron of Delfoi is a weird woman, a pitiful thrall to the men round her. Even her god, who speaks thru her, is a man; this is most outrageous and unusual. She sets up on a tripod of cold steel; her fool god Apollo blows a wind up her ass, and out her mouth blows a braying babble of the nether regions in the crude hexameter of the Greeks. The braying of asses is of more profit than the exhalation gone up which should come out of Pythia's backside.

The emissary of Delfoi said:

Siwa is an oasis; its water must be tainted. The oracle of Siwa is pig-headed, is ram-headed, would not see reason if reason intruded up his fecal hole. The oracle of Siwa's mother was a camel; a camel so overfed it didn't have legs, but just hooves sticking out of the fleshy corpulence of it; so greedy it had intercourse with a legion of athletic desert-devils, out of which the oracle of Siwa came.

The emissary of Siwa said:

The oracles of Delfoi are malice and dumbness in equal measure. Croesos ruined his kingdom because of the obscurity of Pythia. The Zeus of Halicarnassus was built to have a thousand appendages because of the obscurity of Pythia, and consequently Halicarnassus was struck by a plague of locusts and thunderbolts. Whenever a guest leaves Delfoi, there is a storm of sniggering and a tempest of intemperate laughter rolling round the peak of Pythia; men are like ants to Delfoi; our lives and empires crumble for their sport.

The emissary of Delfoi said:

The oracle of Siwa has no vision. He has no spirits. He tells people what they want to hear; and hence often tells an untruth, for the people of Egypt are greedy, and greediest of all is the oracle of Siwa. He sold out a century ago, to gold-plated Amonite priests, to the strong arm of Alexander the king of squares, to the Establishment of Pharaonic-Hydraulic Imperialist Empire. He has no integrity; his prophecies are formulaic pap; he is a shill of the pyramid industry.

And then it came to blows and the blackening of eyes, and half the city of Alexandria burned down.

last updated: (Mar 14 2011)