All religions are true
As it would be absurdly intolerant to dismiss the traditions and esoteric intuitions that have been a part of mankind for millennia, this then only remains: all religions are true.
This may seem unusual, and maybe also cruel, but there is a way for it to make perfect sense. Let me explain this in ten short chapters, after which all holy books will make sense to you.
I : Genesis
First thing: in the beginning there was one god, Odin, the leader of souls, he who sacrificed an eye to learn of the world, and learning learnt the nature of darkness, that is, evil. As evil is no part of a true god, he forced it out of him: and as a serpent it burst through his forehead and slithered away; and the night passed.
Odin said: let there be a feast. And there was an egg, and a well-baked carcase of an ice-giant, and word crusted with cream; and many other delicacies; and these Odin ate, and the strewn litter of them became the foundation of the world.
But beyond the beginnings of the world there was nothing but darkness and void; and it seemed ill to Odin. More ill still, when the chaos spoke with the voice of a girl, and said: You first of gods, how know ye what a young girl's voice is? Then the voice was gone, and Odin was sorely troubled.
And God, He, Odin, he said: Let me make myself us, and be a legion: and where had been one, now was three: one Odin himself, second Ra, a burning sun; and third Tiamat, a great she-dragon wallowing in a suddenly spreading sea.
And Odin saw this was meet, that there should be many gods; and thus was the upper sky separated from the sea: in the former the sun, Ra, does reign; while in the lower Tiamat, the sea-serpent, wallows. Thus went and passed the first day, and Odin was content.
II : Multiplication
The serpent, the knowledge of evil, did slither to the skies and to the sea, and spoke to their gods, and appealed to their jealousy. And the serpent convinced the sky-god to split in two, to better track Odin's footsteps. One half stayed in the heavens, the all-seeing sun-eye of the Illuminati, which is called Amun and Aten and Helios, in addition to being Ra.
The other half went down in a stormcloud, and as a burning brightness stepped down on a high mountain, with a thunderclap and a lack of face: and it was called Yahweh, and Zeus, and Left-Handed Hummingbird.
And he bent to the dust of the ground, and blew on it, and wiped his hands, and said: "Behave"; and thus were the first human beings created. A man they were, and a woman: and the man was called Ask, and the woman Embla; but they feared the brightness and power of Yahweh, and hid in a cave.
Then Yahweh cried, and said: "The sun-on-earth has given life out of greatest love, but the love has hidden, and the sun is dimmed." Then he thought, and then took a mirror and held it up outside the cave: and Ask and Embla, peeking out, saw more people up near the giant shining, burning god without a face; and emboldened by this, they came out, and Yahweh was happy.
And the people multiplied, and Yahweh watched over them.
III : The Knight and the Dragon
But in the heavens the second sun, Ra, grew mistrustful being separated from his better part; and he came to fear Yahweh was plotting against him to be the sole sun in the skies. Finally, the doubt burning in his veins, he too came down: and the skies were black for there was no sun; and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and knuckles.
Down came Ra, and down he went into the sea, into the dark underworld under the world; and he went to Tiamat, the serpent of the sea, and sought to ally himself with her. Tiamat, vast and terrible, said no: and she said there would come a time all land would be devoured by the sea, and the upper skies eaten by the boundless empty chaos above; there would come a great battle at the end of time, and in that battle she would win: for she knew all the power of Odin was in a small golden ring, and it was that ring she meant to possess and thereby rule a newly remade world from a city of jade and malachite a million cubits a side, forever. To those that bent knee, repented, and accepted her to their hearts she would be merciful; but those that defied her would be cast forever to a fire worse than that of the sun itself.
To this Ra said, that shall not be, and I shall not turn my back to you leaving here after hearing that, for you are dark and evil.
To this Tiamat laughed, and said: Fool! So easily you speak of contempt and leaving --- do you not see that knowing what you now know, you shall not leave? I shall made a helm of your head, and castanets out of your testicles!
They fought, Ra the sun and Tiamat the sea; and great was Ra's worry, for he was a divided god, and Tiamat whole; and they were in her lair. Her weapon was her dragon form; and the form of Ra was that of Odin, which is also the form of all men, made in image of the gods, except that gods are male and female both, and can if the want takes them have offspring on their own. Ra's weapon was a great sword, Ex Calibur, which he had found stuck to the roof of the heavens, to the black stone of the vault of being; and it blazed with a bright and terrible fire.
IV : Apocalypse
Great was the battle of Ra and Tiamat, and the seas were churned, and the skies filled with stormclouds like corpses after a battle, and rain like the tears of those that lived; and the fish of the sea cried for help; and more cried the people who lived close to the sea, for the sea was falling over their homes and devouring all of land.
Then Odin came to their help, Odin sudden and wise: and he had them build a great ship, and put all their families and animals in it. The people were grateful, and said: Let us cast loose this boat, and navigate off the shore; for if we stay here, we will be dashed against the stones of the shore.
But Odin would not have this, for he and the other gods had had great trouble in creating all the animals and the plants of the earth; and in despair he ran around the ship trying to save a foal or a sapling of as many as he could; and in the end the people cast off their ship, and the ship moved away, and left Odin howling in the middle of the rising water, unable to save all there was.
V : Pandora
Under the sea, in the underworld, the fight went on: and many creatures that Tiamat had made came to see it, and were struck down. But one of the gathered creatures was alien and bright; and Ra was amazed to see it, for it was like him.
And it cried: Help me, help me, o bright sun-warrior! I am unjustly held here under the waves, and I desire to be free!
Who are you, Ra bellowed; and as talon rang against steel the being, in the shape of a frail girl, told this: She was a fragment of the thoughts of Odin, a fragment that had broken off as he built the world; and many fragments like her had been beguiled by the roar of the shore, and been captured by Tiamat's monsters. They were flowers, spirits of the brooks and rivers, forests and valleys; and they hated their captivity here in the cold and darkness.
Hearing this, Tiamat drew back, and hissed, and roared: Liar! Listen not to that babbling, my brother --- voluntarily she came here, as did all her kin. What time they spend here, they willingly spend on my knee, learning great secrets; and an equal time they spend out the underworld, making the world above brighter and warmer with all they have learned!
But Tiamat's words rang hollow; and Ra pressed him, and plunged his sword into her side; and she roared in pain. And the sword pierced her paws, fore and hind, and she tottered and fell.
Ra came to her giant monstrous dragon head, and raised his sword; but the dragon whispered a no.
Wait, she said, wait before you kill me and become a kinslayer, cursed among gods and men. Grievously you have wounded me, but in three days shall I rise again. Spare me, and I shall repent and reform my ways.
But Ra whispered a no as well, and down came the sword; he chopped off her head.
Then he went to the spirit of the brook, and struck off her chains; and she led him to a chest where all the other captive spirits were kept, and she said: Break the lock and let us all go free, o sun-warrior. Release us to the tasks that Tiamat kept us from, in her wicked want to control all in her domain.
Ra struck away the lock, and it shattered, and the chest flew open: and out spewed in an immense foul stream all the petty and jealous spirits of the sea and the shore, the river and the lake; and before the god could raise his sword, they were gone, and many a place churned again with sinkholes and riptides, sudden deeps and hungry swells; and the sea was made dangerous again, though its danger now again had a million faces.
And the first spirit laughed: Thank you, sun-warrior! All the aspects that Tiamat cast off are now freed; in place of the tyrant, there is chaos; in place of one big villain, a million petty and smallminded ones! Take the dragon-head and be gone off the sea before they nibble you to death and drink your blood one drop at a time!
Ra screamed in anguish and fury, and struck the mocking spirit down; but she faded as if she had never been, and that aspect of a young girl of chaos was no more.
And somewhere far yet quite close, Eris the Goddess of Discord giggled.
VI : The Pre-Tribulation
The water came down, and Ra came up: and there were people in the dashed coasts waiting for him. The people cringed, as he was covered in seaweed and wounds, and the people said: Let us flee; if this is not the terrible serpent of the sea, this is some minion of hers.
Then Ra cast the head of Tiamat to their feet, and they cheered and worshipped him.
But all was not well, for many people had died in the storm, and the lives of all others were ruined, their houses felled, their riches drank by the waters; and even Odin himself had vanished into the flood.
Odin, Ra then cried, Odin, my brother, my father, why hast thou abandoned me? It is a crown of thorns to be the lord of gods if it means you must die --- but if you are dead, then rule I shall.
There was a great crack of thunder, and a flash of light: and the people fell down to their faces beholding a second god. It was Yahweh, and he was surrounded by armies of cherubim and seraphim, nephilim and archons; and he was dressed for war.
What is this, he said, this travesty? Your folly was the ruin of these people, and the death of Odin our father; and still you mean to have their worship, and his throne? I will not see such a thing stand.
Ra asked if Yahweh then meant to take up arms against his brother; but Yahweh laughed, and said: Thus speaks the inconsistent coward. Did you not yourself take up arms against Tiamat, our sister? Is that not her head I see at your feet?
She meant to betray us and take over the world! Ra cried, but then fell silent.
Exactly, was Yahweh's answer, and his angels drew their swords, and poised their wings for war.
VII : Divine Justice
There was a roar from the sea, then, and a great serpent rose out of it; and all the gods and men recoiled, fearing this was Tiamat, as immortal and endless as the sea. But it was not --- it was a saurian beast, immense, but not a god --- but astride it was a god.
Odin! the two other gods cried.
Yes, Odin said, and he was gaunt and grim. Yes, I am Odin, I, the first of gods, the All-father, and I come up to see children squabbling over my inheritance. Faithless children, you, to start dividing my world before you even seek out my corpse! And how do I now see two children, where only one was before? And how do I see my daughter slain?
(What is that beast you ride? Ra asked; and Odin said: It the last of its kind; all others like it have been claimed by the flood of your folly. And Ra was silent and ashamed; and Odin sent the sauropod sea serpent to live in a quiet lake, and it did.)
Yahweh spat, and pointed at the people, and spoke: A fine father you are, then. All-Father you call yourself; then riddle this: what is the thing which slithers without feet, has teeth as sharp as spearpoints, and words incomparably more sharp still? Is that not the serpent which is your firstborn? Why did you not warn us of this foul being, or did you send it to us to divide us and set us against each other?
Odin sighed, then. To you I spoke not of the snake for I wished you innocent of that evil; for it is not good for men nor for gods to know evil. By my sufferance he exists, for he is a part of me; and being of me he is known to me; but I do not give him commands, and nor does he take them from me.
This Yahweh called a lie and an evasion, and spoke thus: If this serpent is of you, then you share in its iniquity; if is exists by your sufferance, then you share in all it does; if you know it, then you share in all its work, for knowing its nature you must know what it will do. By its deeds are the gods set up against each other and the world broken; Tiamat is dead and much ill has come to pass. You are as guilty as the serpent itself.
This the people cheered, and Ra raised his sword, the angel-throngs of Yahweh their spears, their maces --- and Odin fell down and cried, for what Yahweh had said was true.
VIII : Schisms
Then Odin asked of the gods and the men how he might set right what he had done wrong; for having with wisdom and foresight allowed the serpent free he was as guilty as it for all its iniquity.
First wise men came from among the people to propose solutions.
The first of these was Confucius, who chastened the other gods and told Odin he, the All-Father, was being the father of all worthy of the respect of all, and not beholden to their criticism; but this advice Odin did not take.
The second of these was Buddha, who proposed Odin ought to meditate, to see the world as a wheel, so that perhaps he would find a way back to the oblivion, Nirvana, which was before and outside the world; but this Odin did not do.
The third of these was Rinzai, who said this: "Nine tons of flax, nine tons of flax, and do not damage the oil and the wine!" --- but this, whatever it was, Odin did not (probably) do.
The fourth of these was Xenu, who proposed to sell Odin a device that would draw the last of the clinging bits of the serpent out of his soul; but this Odin did not do.
The fifth of these was Zoroaster, who said it was meet there was a serpent, if there was a god; for the god is the serpent to the serpent; but this Odin did not take.
Then the gods spoke their suggestions.
First spoke Ra, the sun-god, the slayer of Tiamat: You have erred, o Odin our progenitor, erred in thought and in deed. This only I would ask of you: step aside, and let us rule the world and hunt the serpent in your stead. Retire to the life of the denizen of the pyramid and the overseer of the sacrifice of the apis bull; though unwise in this one thing, you still are a father to us all, and the line of the kings of the world must not be broken.
Second spoke Yahweh, the brilliance-god, the maker of people: The last to speak am I, then; and a lasting solution I suggest. You share in equal part and more the iniquity of the serpent; let you then share the serpent's reward too. If the serpent was here, we would crush its head under our heels; if it was here, a lion we would set to savage and tear it. Do not assume yourself above the natural law, Odin: for these crimes the serpent must die, and so must you.
Neither of these seemed right to Odin; but he looked around, and there was no-one else left to speak.
Has anyone else anything to say? Odin then cried. The oldest of gods is being judged; if ye have anything to say, speak it or forever be silent!
IX : The Adversary
Then there was a buzzing from the landward side, and a great stench; and a boiling cloud of flies did approach, and approaching, split: and in the middle of it was a being with hooves and horns and red eyes and the shape of a man.
For what the gods did not know was this: The reason Ra had conquered Tiamat was the she too had been divided, being made doubtful and divided against herself by the serpent's whispers. The other part of Tiamat was a man of night and pain, called Satan; and he set up from the sea amongside the serpent to see the world and all it held. But in causing Satan to come into being, the serpent was undone: for Satan took him by the tail and devoured him; and from that day on they were one in evil, each made worse by the other. So had went that night, and the day after it; that was the fifth day, and these were long days.
And the goat-lord, the lord of flies, he spoke, a serpent's tongue writhing between its teeth: I am Satan, and I have come to speak. A half of Tiamat am I, a half of a god great and incomparable; to seek justice for my other half's death I come, and to speak of the fate of Odin the father of gods.
Then all the people fled, and the gods were disgusted; for this new god was not to their liking.
This I propose, the lord of the flies said, this only: that we do not act rashly, and do not fall to strife among ourselves. Let us first find the serpent, and then only work out this problem.
Very well! Ra cried. I tire of this speech and this work of darkness; I more wish to hunt and to slay. Let us pursue the serpent.
Wait, said Yahweh, of the ordered mind; let us kill two serpents with the same heel. It seems obvious to my mind that whosoever of us finds this serpent, must be the greatest amongst us. This calls for wisdom: Let he who hath understanding to find the serpent reckon the fate of the god; let he of us who finds the serpent decide the fate of the All-Father.
To this all the gods, Ra and Yahweh, Odin and Satan, agreed: and only then Satan drew from between his legs the skin of the serpent, and tossed it to the dust, saying: This is the serpent. I have killed him and skinned him. He is dead.
Great was the amazement of the gods; and great the fury of Yahweh at being tricked like this; for they did not know that though the body of the serpent was dead, the spirit of it lived in Satan's breast.
What will you have, Odin asked.
X : Babel
And the lord of the flies said this: It is unmeet that we gods should fight and war between ourselves, and judge each other. Let us instead forget each other and be apart. Let our memory of each other grow dim; let our recall of our brothers so diminish that when shadows walk off the walls and call themselves gods, they, the fragments of our thoughts, will be gods as well, and soon too forgotten to all of us. Let a portion of the people worship each of us; and if our wars and strifes are to be continued let it be the people who kill each other over it.
To this Odin said, with anguish: So be it.
And Satan looked around himself, and all the other gods were gone --- but a few among the confused masses that had gathered again to view the Judging of Odin looked up at him, and their eyes were full of desire and fear, but mainly desire.
I have sundered the people, Satan then said; in this place have I made their speech of gods unintelligible to others. What was the burden of gods, I have placed on the shoulders of men; and I shall derive great entertainment thereby.
And he laughed.