Jesus never died

Jesus never died. He's buried alive under the Vatican. Has been for two thousand years.

Pontius Pilate tried to kill him by crucifixion but it didn't take; after he stumbled out of his tomb he was bound and sent to Rome for the amusement of the emperor. After a decade of nameless suffering at the arenas of the Eternal City, always healing no matter whether killed by sword or lion or flood, Jesus was rescued by a compassionate band of Christians; but by that time their Christ was insane because of the wounds and the pain and the blackness of the nights of death. There were no miracles left in him, and no wisdom: an immortal man, but no longer a Son of God.

He killed Pope Alyvius when the pope tried to reason with him; the successor had a cell built in the foundations of the late Alyvius's house, under the crypt of the bones of Peter; and there to this day the son of Galilee sits, beats the bars, and howls.

last updated: (Mar 14 2011)