100% accurate predictions (except for the astral bits)

2009: A rather nice anti-warming initiative in the UK collapses as the headman of the party pushing it is seen in compromising arrangements with a sheep. "Eco-friendly" becomes a rather awkward word for a while.

2010: EU passes a grand anti-warming resolution that binds the signatories --- uh, well, it's non-binding, actually. But it's grand anyway.

2010: American Senator Surname calls global warming "a Chinese ploy to cripple the economy". Also comments that "we're America, we won't sign no stinkin' agreements, we won't have our boys in no warming hoax court! U -- S -- A! U -- S -- A!" (As a result, 49% of Surname's constituents groan and consider moving to Canada or California, and the other 51% cheer wildly and go on drunken traffic sign shooting sprees. A few years later, Surname is re-elected.)

2010: Greenland loses its ice cap; tens of thousands march around the world, showing their sympathy with "this grievous Antarctic disaster". The "Drowning Penguin" net petition collects 45 million signatures in a week, over 7 million of them from different people. Various politicians and countries confess that they'd like, really really like, to do something, but, ah, it's impossible since the other kids just won't play with them.

2011: Liechtenstein becomes the world's most eco-friendly country, closely trailed by San Marino and Monaco; the effect is negligible. (Meanwhile, Vatican considers excommunicating "environmental sinners", but the infamous Munich Naked Cardinal and Three He-Goats Scandal of 2011--2025 puts these leisurely contemplations onto a back burner.)

2011: An European poll tells that 45% of people are concerned about global warming; a representative quote: "It's, like, kinda bad, and it's because we eat meat, and that's, like, totally bad. You've like half a pig of undigested meat in you! Gross!"

2011: Around 200 000 people protest in Washington, demanding anti-warming action. Politicians nod, smile, and go on golfing. (A few weeks later, 100 000 people protest and demand anti-anti-warming action. A month after that, the Great Anti-Anti-Anti-Warming Action March on Washington collects 451 walkers, 155 of whom march on Washington State by mistake.)

2012: Over 300 000 people protest in Washington and demand action; as an additional 10 000 people, mostly hoodlums, attend the protest just for the shits and giggles, widespread rioting and looting follows, and police gets an opportunity to test its new radium-powered anti-crowd caltrop Gauss guns. The following accidental deaths and the inevitable litigation keep the protest's cause forgotten for months; meanwhile politicians nod, smile and go on golfing.

2012: A freak storm destroys most of Washington's golf courses. Pundits guffaw; politicians pass a stern No F---king Protests In The Capital Act. In an unsurprising show of PR, the new golf courses are made of environment-friendly astroturf. ("Now with 20% less carcinogens!")

2012: A memorable editorial tells people that "all viewpoints are equally valid; all truths are equally true; arguing over whether something happens or not is futile because all happening is based on personal viewpoints; and 'why' something happens --- well, this postmodern society of ours has gotten over its hang-up on the tired old 19th century idea of 'cause' and 'effect', right?". The editorial is about global warming; a week later its writer is swept to the skies by an unseasonal hurricane, and there is much sniggering.

2013: The amount of money spent to make global warming documentaries exceeds for the first time the amount of money spent actually fighting the warming. (Neither, however, tops the amount of money spent on fake dog doo-doo or nail art.)

2014: Over 300 000 people flee for their lives in Bangladesh as the sea level rises; the world fails to notice, as 200 people have at the same time died in a freak paragliding accident/terrorist attack in the middle of Paris, which is more photogenic and easier to get to.

2014: The UN Global Warming Catastrophe Emergency Relief Mission (UNGWCERM) is founded, with a staff of three and a yearly budget of three dollars and a banana. A wave of "Oh noeh! UN's shock troopers are trying to take over the world!"-panic sweeps around the world, accompanied by various global warming-caused disasters. A few months later, UNGWCERM is scuttled in the UN Security Council by the vetoes of US ("What's this crazytalk about us voluntarily harming our economy? Commie plot!") and Russia ("What's this unusual-person-speak about us non-mandatorily harming our economy? Western imperialist plot-scheme!").

2015: Efforts to save the Arctic ice cap get a handful of hurdles as US and Russia argue over whether the presence of the other there constitutes an evil imperialist-bad act of shadow aggression. Meanwhile roving gangs of right-wing survivalists ("Let things happen! Only the stronk shall live!") and left-wing Penguin Friend fundamentalist eco-warriors ("Let things happen! Don't meddle with Mother Nature!") uneasily coexist on the shrinking northern ice floes, opposing all interference.

2015: Various parliaments simultaneously proclaim that having a car is wasteful and bad and evil... and finish running down whatever public transportation remains, as it isn't cost-efficient. The profits of walking-shoe manufacturers and Aspirin manufacturers skyrocket. Rising gas prices lead to several new automobile inventions: in Ukraine, a coal-powered car; in China, a re-education camp detainee power-powered car; and in Norway, a fjord-powered car. The last is a failure outside Norway because of the lack of fjords.

2016: The Arctic ice cap melts; people all around the world are shocked, saddened, alarmed and dismayed, and three billion dollars is collected --- to fish out polar bears and ship them to the Antarctic. (Shortly thereafter, the Great Penguin Extinction begins.) Politicians offer their most warm sympathy, and nothing else. The additional breath-heat generated by "useless grumbling" becomes a notable source of further global warming.

2016: A poll shows 78% of Americans feel they know what "global warming" is. 56% clarify they know it is a "godless liberal plot and the greatest hoax of our generation". 3% clarify global warming is "the warmth of Jesus". 2% clarify that they "just bought one, and a very nice one, too".

2016: In Finland, "winter depression" is eclipsed by "depression because there isn't a winter anymore". The next year both are dwarfed by "depression because the health service doesn't recognize one can be winter- and un-winter-depressed at the same time".

2017: New York's subways are submerged; billions are immediately available for emergency relief. For fighting the causes of the rising sea levels --- er, the money was already spent on emergency relief.

2017: Scientists ask for money for alternative energy research; a pundit comments that "these eggheads should shut up and let real people do the thinking!" There is much grumbling at the physics department, but reporters don't lurk there. The "Be Aware! It's Getting Hot! Hot! Hot!"-public relations campaign gets 50 million in funding; the physics department gets scorn. (This, however, is a better lot than the reaction the next year to the world's first working proof-of-concept miniature fusion plant --- "Ewww! Nuclear power! Ewww!")

2017: A Pan-European poll finds that 21% of the respondents think "positive thinking" is the best "cure" to global warming. Other popular answers: "joining hands" (11%), "not enjoying life" (9%) and "homeopathy" (5%). A proponent of this last alternative collects 750 000 euros for a bid to transform the Atlantic Ocean to a giant cooler by dissolving the homeopathic quantity of 3 grams of dry ice in it. After this fails, the proponent and the remaining money both disappear.

2017: In Georgia (US), the local legislature passes a resolution that says global warming does not exist, isn't caused by people, and isn't a bad thing anyway. Foreigners boggle; pundits vacillate. In the other Georgia (Caucasus), the glorious Russian army starts a bold new experiment in creating a post-technological society... by bombing everything to the ground, and then six feet below it. The experiment is successful.

2018: A California cult leader spiritual teacher announces she has solved the global warming problem --- it's just indigo weather, weather that has risen to a different plane of consciousness. Numerous Hollywood stars and starlets immediately rise to support this claim, and since actors (professional liars in a very specialist sense) are trustworthy people, people immediately trust them, and the "climate guru" goes on a months-long talk show tour, promoting a plethora of books like "The Quantum Indigo Climatology Secret and Your Love". Meanwhile there is a sudden suicide spike among climatologists.

2018: The Netherlands falls into the Atlantic. Commentators remain concerned, but as they do not want to seem alarmist, refrain from actually saying anything of substance. ("This grave situation no doubt could benefit from further study. And now Lizbeth with the weather --- it's a flood everywhere, isn't it Liz?") The local evangelical leader, one Canute King, fails in his attempt to turn the waves aside with the power of the Lord. This apparently tells the Netherlands is a place of sin that deserves to drown; luckily King himself was covered with floaters. (Serious reporting is hampered by a) confusion on "Netherlands or the Netherlands?" problem, and the "is it singular or plural?" issue, b) the difficulty of solemnly speaking about the hoogheemraadschappen organizing emergency erections to save the old dyke, and c) the reluctance of commentators to employ the phrase "Dutch courage".)

2019: The "global warming controversy" is eclipsed in the news by the "breathing controversy" ("Bob Jackass, a self-taught Nebraska inventor, has shaken the stodgy international scientific community by his groundbreaking, bold claim that human beings actually don't need to breathe. Jackass tells local scientists have expressed interest; the commercial possibilities are endless, Jackass says. That's all we're gonna tell you about that since skeptics are icky and science is difficult, and all narratives are equally true anyway; now Liz with what might to some of you be the weather."), soon displaced by endless equiclueless accounts of the "intelligent falling controversy".

2019: A freak Christmas heatwave kills 12 000 in Canada, half of them moose. An American commentator is heard asking if the heatwave is anything special --- "after all, it's warm south of the border, isn't it?" Another opines that "this is all the fault of the eco-geeks; why didn't they say anything?"

2020: A vault is dug deep under the Appalachian Mountains for digitalized information to safeguard civilization against future catastrophes. However, following extensive copyright litigation and concerns about political correctness and kid-friendliness, the only content actually transferred there is a test run consisting of seven million gigabytes of the phrase "bob is teh king" repeated over and over again; when the vault is discovered by the primitive island empire of Grook-Whuff ten centuries later, the phrase soon becomes the basis of their religion, the Man-Eating Cult of the Endless Bob.

2021: The Antarctic ice melts; there is a flood but no Ark; a creek but no paddle. Civilization collapses; Jesus doesn't come; there is much surprise and befuddlement. Oh, and decades and decades of looting, rape, starvation and murder, as man becomes one with nature once again. (The high point of civilization, try 1: a plaque on the Moon with Richard Nixon's name on it.)

last updated: (Mar 15 2011)