Oh Hell

27 Sep 2007

Two women were sitting on a bed of coals. Somewhere nearby, a demon capered, waving a pitchfork and singing.

Because this is Hell, it had been singing the same song for the past seven million years.

Between screaming and shrieking, the women found time to talk to each other. Here's that conversation, with the screaming and occasional cursing edited out.


"So, why're you here?"

"Oh, I was a Buddhist."

"Really? But you look nicely Caucasian."

"Oh, thank you. I converted to Buddhism when I was twenty, and I died when I was twenty-one. Some crappy luck, huh?"

"Yeah. So young --- surely it wasn't an illness?"

"No, indeed not. I was raped, killed and dismembered by a lunatic. I'm not quite sure on the order of those three actions, but anyway he killed me, and boom! Here I am."

"Uh-huh. See that guy here anywhere?"

"Nah. He's not here."

"Ah, you're a recent arrival, then?"

"No. Been here for... for two hundred years at least. That guy was caught and locked up in a Supermax prison."

"What then?"

"Don't hurry. You're not going anywhere. When imprisoned, he confessed fifty counts of murder, twenty counts of rape, three counts of child-molesting, and one count of resisting arrest. He easily got the death penalty."

"Served him right. You gotta respect authority."

"Huh? Well, a day before his execution, a priest visited him, and he broke down, wept and sobbed and repented, and his soul was up in Heaven before they got his body out of the electric chair."


"Yeah. How about you?"

"What, me? I was a meek pastor's wife. We had a split in our church, and I obediently followed my dear husband. He's somewhere down there --- behind that mountain of ash, there --- now. Apparently he didn't have the correct doctrine after all."

"Well, that's what you get from men alright."


last updated: (Mar 15 2011)