God vs. the financial crisis!
30 Oct 2008
God, the omnipotent creator Himself, is looking down at the world with His trusty main angel aide by his side. Things are going badly in the world of men: a financial crisis looms, wars and famines spread, and American Idol refuses to die.
God: Hmm. I've heard people are hungry down there, angel.
Angel: Indeed it is so.
G: Famine... ha, I know. There'll be enough food if there are less people. I will smite ---
A: Lord, you promised you wouldn't do that again.
G: Did I?
A: The whole Flood thing. And they happened to get it in writing, too.
G: Oh, that little... My next coming will take that back. I swear he-I will. Well, how about this finance stuff, then? This must be easier. I'll make it rain gold coins for forty ---
A: That might not work.
G: What? Why?
A: A global rain of gold coins happens; value of gold plummets because there's too much of it; economic turmoil; collapse; catastrophe; disaster; dysentery; death.
G: M'wounds! I'll raise a prophet, then. Always a crowd favorite.
A: Might not be a good idea. Remember what happened with the previous one.
G: Ah, yes. How come people are so cynical now? He had a sandwich board and long hair and wild eyes and everything! Jeremiah was never ignored like that.
A: I blame television.
G: How come?
A: Nowadays people have more entertainment; the value of a raving spittle-flecked prophet has gone down quite drastically.
A: Oh, and since raving came up, if I may ask... Was this Wasilla character... I mean, where did she come from? Surely she's not one of ours?
G: Well, Michael wanted to try something more, erm, traditional ---
A: Great. Next we'll be doing rains of toads and bloody rivers again.
G: You think that's not a good idea?
G: Oh. Okay. I'll... I'll make a note about that. Me damn it, why can't things just stay still and unchanging? Now, what about... healing lepers!
A: How does that help their economy? Besides, there aren't that many lepers around anymore.
G: But it's traditional! What should I do, then --- heal the overweight, huh? Or cripple the lame? Uplift those that downshift?
A: Make the geek inherit the earth?
G: Nonsense. Utter nonsense. We're not doing the Revelation now. I need something... dramatic. Something big. What about a warning against false idols?
A: Research shows they might choose Clay Aiken over you, o Lord.
G: Aiken? Can I smite him?
A: There have been prayers to that effect, yes.
A distant boom is heard.
G: Now we're rolling! Who's next? Bernanke? Clarkson? Paulson? Cyrus? Suggest someone. You've been listening to what they want.
A: Well, there's been a repeated wish that'd, uh, at least make some feel better. Sort of a sign of your opinion thing.
G: Tell me.
A: Flick up a bit of fire, and give them a burning Bush.