About creeping cows

17 Oct 2008

"Cows are placid, dumb animals." That's what everyone says, right? And that's true as far as they know. We who know better don't talk about it. That's not wise.

Do you realize that an average farm has ten cows or more for every human? How can you ever hope to be sure you know where all the cows are?

Sure, they're at the pasture. In a tight, dumb-looking clump in one corner so you can't quite count them.

One of them might be missing, over the fence or in a tree. Skulking somewhere.

What, you don't believe cows can skulk? They can. They bend their knees, lower themselves close to the ground, and then creep, like a liquid snake, quick and quiet. Very quick. If a cow decided to creep to you, you wouldn't have time to run away.

And barely even time to scream.

Some farmers say that at times their cows make a weird noise, like a human scream. We who know better don't talk about that. And we never go to the pasture alone. And if some solitary walker disappears, we haven't seen or heard anything and certainly haven't found any remains.

Farmers are not dumb people, you know. The accident-prone hick stereotype thing isn't really real. Do you know that the most deadly-accident-prone hicks are those that don't take good care of their animals? Those that continually intrude on their animals' privacy, mistreat them, or even think they have some droit de seigneur over their creatures?

Isn't that recent tale about a farmer that died after trying to, erm, to stimulate himself with the nozzle of a milking machine... isn't that just too dumb, even for a total inbred moron? And the look on his face... as if he had known what was happening, but was powerless to stop it.

The neighbor that found him went there because the cows were making a weird sound --- braying, he said. A gulping, yelping sound. Almost like laughter. But the cows were fine; their owner was the one who was dead of shock with his male organ mangled by an overcharged milking machine tube; the terrible vacuum of it.

What I'm trying to say here is this: when out here, don't tease the cows. Don't disturb their quiet, deep ruminations. Don't go to the pasture alone.

And, for the love of all that is holy, don't try this cow-tipping nonsense of yours. They do not find it amusing. And they creep faster than you can run, see better in the dark than you, and never show any mercy.


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Don't be afraid to go and see cows. They're nice, intelligent, friendly animals who only want what is good for us. I have added this endnote without any duress whatsoever. Signed, the Author.

last updated: (Mar 15 2011)