A Christmas newsflash: Air Force killed Santa

23 Dec 2008

Today the NATO Special Threat Force has bombed the island of Novaja Zemlya.

They did this to kill Santa, and that goal was achieved.

This came to be in the following fashion ---

While the Coca-Cola Company did not invent the idea of Santa Claus as a fat, jolly man in red, they were the first agency to aggressively portray him as such. This happened during the 1930s, an era of very aggressive Soviet infiltration and spy activity in the West.

At the same time it became a common "meme" to tell children about Santa --- if they saw an incongruous well-padded man in red, or an odd skulking imp, those were just Santa and his elves; certainly they weren't Communist spies.

Adults did not believe this legend; they did not have to, as the curious rays discovered by the sharashka scientist S. Klausoff in 1926 worked perfectly on the adult brain; only children --- only some children, that is --- could see a person wearing the bulky Klausoff device under his winter clothes and his conical ray-antenna hat.

The Klausoff device was the ultimate tool of Soviet espionage --- a man wearing one could walk in cities and in offices, go everywhere and observe everything, unseen except by occasional children, who by the interference of cunning spies in the entertainment industries and the supposedly virtuous American school system had been taught it was okay to see "Santa" and think nothing of it.

The device, though its existence was suspected for a long time following the 1969 Chicago Santa Riot arrests, was believed lost in the tumult of the 1990s, but during the beginning of this current Christmas season, the NSA discovered that the Klausoff project had, however, survived --- not at the North Pole, but on the cold, desolate and isolated island of Novaja Zemlya.

Thus, three hours ago, by direct presidential order, the 24th Bomber Fleet ("Rendin' Rudolph") of the NATO Special Threat Force dropped twelve megatons of conventional explosives on certain secret facilities on the said island, and destroyed the Russian capability to manufacture and maintain Klausoff devices, thus ensuring the safety and Yuletide cheer of all good Americans for many years to come.

Reports of US submarines and submarine commandoes raiding the said facilities beforehand are naughty lies. All nice Americans can now rest in peace; as the carol says, "you better watch out; you better not cry ---"

Sorry. That was a wrong carol.

last updated: (Mar 15 2011)