10 Sep 2008
It was a mistake to use a picture of me, but I was lazy. I couldn't think of anything clever, so I just took a picture of my ugly mug, a negative of it, flipped it left to right and upside down, and stuck that to my avatar.
Then I saw that the blog had a new post: a not exactly hilarious but still mildly amusing fail.
And no comments.
For a while --- two, maybe three seconds --- I fought against myself. Then I clattered "FIRST POST!" and hit submit.
There it was, then. My very first "first post" comment. Sure, people hated them, I thought, but wasn't it an entirely harmless way to show you were quick, you were alert, you were even a bit l33t, if you know what I mean?
I laughed a bit, then went to sleep.
Then next day I came back from the university and found a fire burning at my doorstep. I stomped, then cursed. Who knew the old burning paper bag with feces inside trick still saw action?
I thought it was just a random practical joke --- the joker probably had thought there was someone inside, even if the doorbell got no response.
I checked the post --- 69 comments, and mine the first. Curiously enough, no-one had said "first post on first post!" or "seventh posts rotfl!!!" or something similar: all the other posts, except one, were a calm, rational discussion of the fail itself.
The exception was comment #23:
@ #1 : You no good third floor scum. You're neither funny nor clever.
I laughed a bit; then I saw a new fail-post, entirely without comments at all. Within seconds, I was a double first-poster and felt like a King of teh Intertubes.
Then I thought, with increasing worry, on the words "third floor". I even googled a bit. It wasn't an insult I could find anywhere. It felt seriously uncool to be insulted without knowing the insult.
Then, with a shudder, I considered the fact that I happened to live in a third-floor apartment; but there was no way anyone on the blog could know that, right? From a single comment? From a new commenter? No way.
Not unless this number 23, this "revengel666", knew me. But how could he ---
And then I remembered the picture.
There it sneered, next to my comment: a flipped upside-down negative that still looked exactly like me, distinctive hairdo and all.
I freaked out for a while, thinking of revengel and of a flaming bag of dogshit. (Studentshit?)
Then there was a clatter from the mail slot. After a minute or two, I crawled from under the computer desk and went to look.
There was a severed human hand, covered with blood, on my doorstep.
A bit of whimpering and hyperventilation followed. The hand proved to be plastic, from a mannequin no doubt, and the blood...
Uh, the blood seemed genuine.
The computer chirped; I nearly browned my pants.
I had mail.
Mail at the throwaway address I'd given in registering to comment at the blog.
Mail from another throwaway address: revengel_discard666 at some-mail-or-the-other.
Subject: First post
Text: Hello. First posting is not funny. Do you know where you bicycle is?
I ran out and down. My bicycle was gone, security chain and all.
Then there was a scream from far up: I looked, blanched and fell down to my hindparts. The shadowy form at the roof, six stories up, disappeared while I watched my bicycle plummet down and noisily crunch to a pile of twisted metal against the pavement a few meters from me.
I laughed then. It wasn't an exactly happy laugh, but I guess that is clear without saying.
When I finally got up and staggered back to the third floor, I found a new email from the same sender.
Subject: First post, last warning
Text: Hello again. As you can see, first posting is not only unfunny, but also hazardous to your health and possessions. Don't do it again. We are a legion, we are very good in tracking people, and we are very easily irritated.
I hope I have made myself sufficiently clear.
Sincerely, RevEngel 666.
PS. Have a nice day.
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