The Illuminati / Discordian roundtable 2010


On behalf of the Ancient Illuminated Esoteric Order of the Seers of Bavaria, Samos and the Golden Pyramid (the Illuminati),

  • Caifas Malignantia, Prime, Northern Europe
  • Brutus Crushhand, public relations officer for the Office of Assassinations
  • Rupert Electrolux, chief executive officer for the Office of Assassinations and Disappearances
  • Blatantia Wallop, junior mook

On behalf of the Legion for the Advancement of the Terminally Confused, Discordian Legionnaires and Merchants of Hot-Dog Buns (the Discordians),

  • Exothericia Wu, Quadrihop of the Sect of the Sectless
  • Ambidextrous Hummingbird, Protector of the Antarctic
  • Pjotr Fairly Stronginthearm, OBE/CALP
  • Merry Yodelingjoy Brightmountain, Senior Everyoung of the Order of the Dot

As a moderator (mod), Glottal "Stop" Chatterhappy, man of the (Wall) street

* * *

Mr. Crushhand was removed for creating a disturbance.

Mr. Malignantia was removed for creating a disturbance, viz. insisting all others present, moderator included, were agents of the Illuminati.

It. Hummingbird was removed for creating a disturbance, viz. suggesting xi was, in fact, an agent of the Illuminati.

Ms. Wu was removed for creating a disturbance, on purpose.

Mr. Electrolux was removed for creating a disturbance, viz. possession of a Twitter account, and conduct unbecoming a member of a shadowy world-ruling cabal.

Mrs. Fairly Stronginthearm was removed for creating a disturbance, viz. conduct becoming a member of the Ordre Belle Ebullience, Chaotica Anarchica Lacklaw Priory.

STOP. So, to begin with: the beginnings. Where do you come from? What are the fascinating origins of your respective organizations?

WALLOP. I was led to believe the moderator would do all the exposition, and all that would be left to us would be to make cryptic acknowledging comments and nod and chuckle a lot.

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. I'm from Copenhagen.

STOP. Er...

WALLOP. But I can tell you about those Discordians all right. They're masters of lie. They don't even really worship that open goddess of theirs, that jumped-up mythological device Eris Discordia. In reality, they worship a charnel pit god called Dogpa, and ---

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. I'm not listening to that. Not from the Children of Osarseph!

WALLOP. --- a dog god, whose mutts they mate with ---

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. Osiris! Osarseph! Old Testament coronation oracles! Apollonius! Saturnalia! Santa fucking Claus!

WALLOP. --- sea dragon goddess Catma.

STOP. Hey, hey, hey... I see I've accidentally touched a nerve here. A very touchy, controversial subject. Let's talk something else, okay?

WALLOP. In Weisshaupt's name, yes!

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. Not that you have any right to call on St. Adam's name, but yes, by all means, let's change the subject to something a bit less controversial.

STOP. So, 9/11.

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. So this is your idea of "less controversial"?

STOP. Well, it's not very exciting to go asking "Who killed the Baader-Meinhofs" --- no-one hardly remembers them anymore.

WALLOP. Yes ha ha ha. Let us change the subject.

STOP. So what about the Titanic? Any confessions, either of you? What was in the hold? Any truth to these stories of a zombi stalking the ship looking for a Scottish millionaire and his ill-gotten gains, and similar voudoun; or a million cat-mummies coming alive and capsizing the ship in revenge for their desecration; or of rare minerals, byzanium maybe, and French assassins; the like? What did the ship really hit, if anything?

WALLOP. Well, let's say it certainly was no iceberg.


WALLOP. Not there either. You know the stories of the ship being put together so quickly, and being so immense, that workmen got trapped inside? They're at work, and then they turn back and the way back has been covered over. And the banging and hammering is so loud they can't make themselves heard, and it goes on 24/7 because the ship needs to be ready; and they haven't got the battery of tools to make their way out. They starve to death inside, and their vengeful ghosts take the Titanic down.

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. Oh, that is bullshit.

WALLOP. Of course! But a very close-to-truth disinfo bullshit, even if I say so myself. No, they were trapped inside on purpose. Hundreds of them, with plenty of padding and explanations for the clamor they made. And enough supplies for them to stay alive, unless the darkness and noise got to them, until the ship was at the right co-ordinates. They were the unmoving and bloodied sinking catalyst for the Thing to come up, up to where they had come from, and have the entire shipment.

STOP. This... this was an occult ritual of some kind.


STOP. What Thing?

WALLOP. Hardly matters anymore. Our observation ship got full readings, but the Thing just did not stay here and awake long enough. To such a mountain even such a... titanic snack... wasn't enough. It just appeared, half-comatose, collided with the ship, went back to the bottom, then noticed the sinking hull with its shrieking snack, ate, and then became the sea and ate the drowning people one by one. That's why most of the bodies were never recovered.


BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. That Baltic thing was your doing, too?

STOP. Estonia?

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. No, the other.

WALLOP. No comment.


WALLOP. No, I just would be killed for telling you. But let's say that the defeat of a submarine power and the raising of others to its place means there has been a... regime change in the deep.

STOP. That's that. Any comments on the latest attempt to breach the Pentagon Containment Circle?

WALLOP. No such circle.

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. You're right there.

WALLOP. Excuse me; I have to make a call. (After a pause.) Yes, where were we?

STOP. There's this National Geographic story about an all-black king penguin, possibly a mutant. A fairly sinister-looking big ugly thing. Some say it can fly. Any comments, either of you?

WALLOP. What? A penguin? Don't know anything about that.

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. Eh, sorry. Total blank.

STOP. As blank as the white landscape of aeon-haunted Antarctica where these penguins dwell?


STOP. Oh. It just seemed... the sort of thing one of you would do.

WALLOP. No. Just no. And then there's the Southern Polar Current Containment Circle. Since 1945, Antarctica's been ---

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. Pretty much an icebox for you?

WALLOP. --- mostly, er, a place where things don't change too much.

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. Oh yes, a natural reserve. Or a preserve. Full of nuts, nuts of the fruit-hating kind among other things, heh. Plenty of interesting things frozen in those high mountain glaciers. That are melting, aren't they? Like that lake outside Ingolstadt... that's been cooling a lot, too, right? No good for preserves, that. Let them thaw and no-one knows what will happen.

WALLOP. We know what we are doing. And no, you may not know what we know.

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. But we know we know you don't know what you know we know and you know ain't so.

WALLOP. Er... yes.

STOP. Fascinating stuff. Fascinating stuff. Now, Ms. Wallop ---

WALLOP. It's Mrs. Wallop. Ichor bride in the Beyond.

STOP. --- Mrs. Wallop, there's been a lot of talk about you Illuminati being ruled by... well, the best word would be, by a lot of fairly racist groups.


STOP. Like the British royal family, Saudi oil sheiks, Jews, actual Bavarians, WASPs, Roman Catholics ---

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. That's not a race. It's an orbit.

STOP. --- even the triple-K or a surviving fragment of ancient Egyptians. What do you say to that?

WALLOP. We are a Hungarian conspiracy.

STOP. What?

WALLOP. Hungarian. You know, Hungary. A place in central-eastern Europe. Origin of Szilard, Teller and Wigner, three men without whom there would never have been an atomic bomb. First home to the homeless Paul Erdös, the greatest and most unusual mathematical mind of the twentieth century, indirectly along with his fellows responsible for all modern computers and cryptography. Original home of Joseph Pulitzer, responsible mainly not for the Prize, but for the modern state of media. So you see, Hungarians are responsible for how war is done, how your secrets are kept, and how you hear the "news". Best of all, thanks to this constant misdirection of Jesuits or others being the conspirators, no-one will believe you if you tell them the truth.


WALLOP. Just try it. "Hungarians rule the world!" Or "Hungarians! The conspiracy against the human race!" Like all good conspiracies, it has the ultimate protection of being so ludicrous when uttered that there just is no way to expose it. "What? You wanna us publish a book on Hungarians bein' behind the last three centuries of history? Gedouddaheah!"

STOP. I can't believe it.

WALLOP. See? A superb conspiracy, ours is. It's on the level of "JFK wasn't murdered --- it was a suicide." If you just make sure the truth's too outrageous to be believed, you'll never get caught! Codename Cassandra Triumphant!

BRIGHTMOUNTAIN. You guys are good.

WALLOP. We're the best!

last updated: (Mar 14 2011)