EEEk!

The Church E.E.E. wishes to remind people it is in no way related to the other E.E.E., the eastern equine encephalitis virus, the "triple E". For an example, the Church or the constituent parts thereof cannot, no matter the extractor's ingenuity, be extracted from infected horse brains. Neither can, the Church hastens to add, any other major religion. The rumors concerning this about the Church of England are nothing but vile slanders, or then misinterpretations of this entirely unrelated little Victorian ditty:

What are Anglican priests made of?
What are Anglican priests made of?
    Infected horse brains,
    And puppy-dogs' tails,

That's what Anglican priests are made of.

What's the Bishop made of?
What's of Canterbury made of?

    Sugar and spice and
    Infected horse brains,

That's what the Archbishop of Canterbury's made of.

The ditty is actually about black death and pirate recruiting, and this erraneous modern interpretation should not be entertained, because it can cause much confusion and, indeed, has made several British horse-owners rather too wary of Anglican priests skulking around their fields. (See Times 6.6.2006, "Farmer claims CoE harvests his horses for bishops"; and Daily Mail 12.10.2006, "Horse brain farmer pickets cathedral; bishops organize counter-exorcism")

The Finnish Evangelical Lutheran Church does, however, use arcane magic rituals involving infected bear brains to invest their primal battle deacons; but that is entirely justified, since otherwise the battle against the Others of Lapland would be quickly lost, and all northern Europe cast under the shadow and the spell of the Reindeer Horn Throne.

(For more information, see the FELC booklet "By the power of the place of the skull! A grim fight against the pagan demons of the forest, begins!") Tourists that happen to be in Finland around the Juhannus summer festival (end of June) may ask at the nearest church if there still are free seats for the ceremony of the viewing of the infected-bear-brain-infusing ceremony of a class of battle deacons (the karhun­aivon­infektion taistelu­diakoniin­survennan­riitin­seremonia); it is quite an experience. (Viewers are usually asked to refrain from flash photography, as this may enrage the battle deacons and cause undesirable transformations. If such a thing is not asked, it may be mere carelessness, or then the particular priests may be a part of the Blood Confession. In that case, one such get up and run before the battle deacons' eyes start to elongate and glow; because after that things are going to get ugly. Also, bloody. Possibly fatal, too. Battle deacons are creatures of hunger, teeth, and faith, after all.)

last updated: (Mar 14 2011)