"Dedicated to N.N."

HAND OF EUCLID --- TOP SECRET

This is version 4.0.4 of the official scale of rewards and awards, mostly dedications, given by mathematicians and the mathematical community. This scale was accepted by the Tweed Council in its 42nd session, 31/5/2003, and enacted by the Primes in their 43rd session, 5/3/2005; nota bene, Mundi. It is binding on all members of the Hand of Euclid, and by extension on all departments formally affiliated with it, regardless of nationality, consequence or public face. Deviation with be met with derivation.

Requests for alteration and re-examination should be directed to the corresponding author of the Committee for Rewards and Punishments, Professor J. Sathanas of the Supreme School of Pure Mathematics of the Dark Rectorate of Belgium.

  1. Communal paperclip ("The J.S. Glomp paperclip; in honor of his attainment of the Ph.D. degree ENGRAVED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF PHYSICS WITH LASERS")
  2. Reusable envelope ("No, no. Don't cross that over. It's the dedication.")
  3. Paper, "presented to", "in honor of" or "lamenting the memory of"
  4. Collection of conference papers, "on the occasion of" birthday, retirement, hair density falling below 1/3, etc.
  5. Book, "dedicated to the memory of" (not a good sign of communal expectations of your health if there's one in the works)
  6. Conference announcement ("Featuring the famous eponymous Frank Lemma! Every participant, minus grad students, gets to rub his bald pate for luck!")
  7. Coffee grinder/maker (machine or graduate student; it is good form to increase the graduate student's stipend/grant a bit if he lands a coveted post like this)
  8. Toilet stall ("We couldn't afford a lecture hall! But see, we got a shiny plaque! Oh shoosh, there's some graffiti on it already --- is that your number? 'Call for good time'?")
  9. Cafeteria table ("He used to drink coffee and converse with his graduate students here. See, those are his teethmarks.")
  10. Lecture hall
  11. Building ("While the university naming a new building after me is nice indeed, I wonder if they meant something by choosing the Staff Refreshment Sauna and Drinks Compound?")
  12. Lodge of the fraternal order of mathematicii, Scandy tradition (outside Sweden-Finland, of the Skull and Crossproduct [also known as Skull and Gibbs vector product] Society, or the Ancient Bavarian Order of Obfuscati, or the Priory of Z(n).)
  13. Prize (Fields medal, Chern Radiance Award Medal, Chalkdust Albino Award for Teaching Excellence; named for noted mathematicians W. C. Fields, Chern Obyl and Reinhardt Chalkdust-Albino of Hesse-Grundrechenart.)
  14. Week-long festival (e.g. the Gödel Orgies of the University of Jena)
  15. Cult (Euler, Leibniz, Erdös, Nevanlinna; the Cult of f(x) Notation is not eponymous, no matter what the Estate of F.X. Notation says.)

In addition to these, we mathematicians can of course elevate one from among us into godhood, as in the cases of Gauss and Pythagoras, though the details of the proof are not common knowledge. It is necessary but not sufficient to know this: a circle of thirteen pure and thirteen applied mathematicians can lift one from among them into immortal omnipotence outside a set of limited linear Lebesgue measure. As this effort consumes the other twenty-five people and applied mathematicians involved, it is not often encouraged; especially, except in rare special cases, no professor is allowed to have more than twenty graduate students as there have been unfortunate cases of entire research projects literally evaporating into clouds of black burnt dust and demented chalkdust-raspy laughter.

Requests for deification are handled by the Committee on Extended Grants, chairthing Reynard S. Niggurath, University of Paris XXIII. Applicants should remember that adherents of the teachings of the Dark Lord Newton are not eligible, as decided in the Pactus Victoria Post Mortem of 1727 between the Quasisubgod Gottfried Red-Hands Leibniz and the remaining acolytes of the Accursed One.

Is this document true, or is it a hoax? I do not know; but I think it is sensible for us all to act like it was without a doubt true. Think of the cryptic, yet insufficiently veiled words of Blaise Pascal, written days before his mysterious death (so soon after defying the mathematical elites of his day!) --- "But what if we disbelieve, and are wrong? Think of the monstrous circumstances then, the enormity of our loss, and reconsider!"

Let us see how far the rabbit hole goes --- because in the case of mathematics it is a Gabriel's Horn (1/x with x>1 rotated round the x axis), a thing of finite volume, easily concealed, but of infinite surface, recording endless dark secrets. There are as many uncomfortable secrets behind the plus sign that Jesus died on as there are points in an Ilse Koch snowflake --- or maybe the crimes of the mathematicians are too numerous to be countable at all.

For further illumination on this horror, more horrible than even the horriblest horrors of the horror-saturated Illuminati of shadow-tainted Bavaria, cross your soul and read on! Unless the rest has been scrubbed away by censors already!

last updated: (Mar 14 2011)